Winter Storm Warnings

5:00 pm, Thursday March 1st, 2007.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Dear Mother Nature.

Sure this idea maybe born from the fact that I can’t get out of my office parking lot right now, but I have a firm belief that we have officially upset the balance of nature, and you’re fighting back.
Is it a coincidence that a winter storm arrives during rush hour in the biggest city in Toronto? Really? A coincidence?
I say nay!
You, Mother Nature, tired of the exhaust that is fuming during the afternoon rush, have decided to fight back by screwing those who drive!
The insanity of this idea might be masking the reality that I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW!!!
You’ve really, really disappointed me. A lot. Excuse the profanity, but fuck you snow. Fuck. You.


Mother Nature you’re a PMS’ing bitch. Whassa matter? You can’t handle a little CO2? You need your precious ozone layer? Please allow me to borrow a motif from George Carlin/Bill Hicks:

Give me all that pollution shit. Since when is life supposed to be easy? Life is a battle from the day we’re born till the day we die. Flu’s, Viruses, Cancer. This is our battle for existence. Those fuckers are going to wipe out millions, and we’re totally not going to be able to fight back. Internal constitution, not money, not penis length, not guns, but internal constitution is going to be the determining factor for who lives and who gets left behind.


Fuck terrorists, how many people do they kill a year? A few hundred, a few thousand? There are 6.6 BILLION people on this planet. We could have a major catastrophe, loose 100,000 people, and we’d make up that population loss by lunch time because we’re growing at a rate of about 200,000 people a day. 200,000 people. A day. It would take less than a week for us to make up the loss of a million people.

It took until approximately the beginning of the 19th century for the population of the earth to reach 1 billion. You wanna know how long it took us to go from 5.6 billion to 6.6 billion? 10 years. You want to know where I’m going with this. In the last 10 years we’ve added 1 billion people to this planet, and most of them are on the streets driving some cars. And all of them are outside right now sitting, emitting Carbon-fuckoxide.


We’ve fucked ourselves. And you wanna know what might save us? Porn. That’s right, internet/VHS/DVD/magazine/1800callmebaby porn. Let’s gets some fucking porn out there so people stop procreating and let’s get them masturbating a little more and then maybe in 10 years we won’t be completely screwed with so much traffic and so much “we’re killing the planet with our cars.” It’s like (and I can’t believe I’m quoting these guys) the NRA says, guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Cars don’t kill the environment, people driving cars kill it. And we’ve got 300 million of those ‘people’ in North America getting around in cars. Man of the Year my ass Time Magazine, more like Killer of the Century. Imagine if animals could talk or vote, we'd totally be removed from our post at the top of the food chain.

Oh, and fuck you major oil and gas companies for this ‘gas shortage’. If I wanna drive around to McDonalds at 10 pm because I have a hankering for a double burger and fries, I don’t need to be worried if I’ve got gas, or where I’m going to get it. Just give me my gas and shut the fuck up about shortages, or I’m going to have to start seriously looking at alternative sources of fuel (i.e. ethanol) and I might start growing my own tomatoes instead of getting McDonalds.


To sum up, the weather is really bad in Toronto, especially for the drivers; to top it off I don’t have enough gas to sit in traffic for 2 hours so I’m really pissed off. I didn’t sign up for this.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Sincerely,

Pessimistic S.O.B. with a sense of entitlement.

“The power of population is so superior to the power of the earth to produce subsistence for man, that premature death must in some shape or other visit the human race. The vices of mankind are active and able ministers of depopulation. They are the precursors in the great army of destruction, and often finish the dreadful work themselves. But should they fail in this war of extermination, sickly seasons, epidemics, pestilence, and plague advance in terrific array, and sweep off their thousands and tens of thousands. Should success be still incomplete, gigantic inevitable famine stalks in the rear, and with one mighty blow levels the population with the food of the world.”
– Thomas Malthus

ps. snow is pretty.